When raising the topic of bad parent and spectator behaviour at school sports games, we as South Africans are typically inclined to conjure up the worst images, ideas and anecdotal stories of an American or British pandemic; obscene language, punching match officials or threatening harm to under-performing coaches is “extreme”, and “not from here”; after all, we would never behave like that a school sports derby on a Saturday!

Well, unfortunately overzealous emotional investment in a child’s sports match is not something South African parents are immune to; you love your kids and you really, really want them to do well and be happy! Just like in the USA, UK or just about anywhere else in the world, we South Africans are deeply emotional (and financially) invested in children’s sport and their success in it. Undeniably, the majority of parents, coaches and spectators are remarkably restrained, polite and conscientious with their words and actions but we would be heading into dark and murky waters by simply ignoring our own actions or by writing-off such behaviours as something “other” people do.

As South African school sport spectators we need to collectively have a very close look at their behaviour and language to consider how it might be having a detrimental effect on children’s enjoyment.

One aspect of the broader issue at hand is the question of which party, whether school or parent, has the final say over what is in the best interests of a child’s sporting development. Schools are caught between playing the role of teacher, coach and in loco parentis to children while also having to meeting the financial and educational demands expected by parents. In contrast, a sporting performance is in plain sight of parents and it must be very difficult to not want to influence the results because of the strong emotional investment and connection felt for one’s child.

Outside of the anecdotal literature, it is acknowledged that when the stakes are high, it becomes very difficult to act “appropriately” even when such actions are contradictory to self-proclaimed healthy child-rearing practices. Certainly, we cannot blame parents for loving their kids or berate coaches who are invested in their teams doing well but in an atmosphere of well-intended cheers, shouts and instructions from the side line, it is equally, if not more important to consider what children need and what they prefer to hear from parents, coaches and supporters.

One of the most obvious but important preferences from children is that they do want their parents and coaches to be on the side line supporting them. Parents and coaches are preferred as partners in a child’s sporting development rather than being overwhelming figures fulfilling their own aspirations and missed opportunities vicariously. Central to this aspect of meeting preferred behaviour is for parents to align their actions with their child’s performance goals and interests. Do they want to play for the Springboks or just run around with their friends in the mud? How often do you check in with your child or team about what they would like to gain from a practice or to accomplish playing against their opponents on the weekend?

A bit of a nudge and coaxing to get involved, try something difficult or to bounce back are essential elements in teaching children resilience .However, the content and quality of their words and actions are crucial when meeting what children want to achieve and how they will feel best supported. Children prefer being praised for having done a good job, hearing clapping when they’ve done something well and unconditional support even when they have made a mistake or their team has lost.

Lastly, one of the most important (and humorous) findings from research into the preferred behaviour form parents and coaches is children stating; “Shut up and just let us play the game.” At a young age and throughout their development, children will actively and willingly try their hardest, want to win and be eager to develop new skills so long as the coaching and competition environment is positive and enjoyable. So, this weekend, acknowledge that parents can stand back and simply enjoy watching the game.